DISCLAIMER: This post is going to get personal. I don't do this often as I don't like the idea of my whole life being on the internet. If you're viewing this for any other reason than because you want to simply read this post without passing judgement, then exit this post. My life isn't here for you to mock/ gossip/ or be nosey about :)
So, just quickly- this is my entry for Week 2 of the '52 Weeks of Gratitude Challenge'. My last post for this challenge was over a month ago which is EXTREMELY embarrassing and a perfect example at how rubbish I am at keeping up with things! I lasted one week ffs.
This entry is named 'Spouse/ Significant other' on the 52 WOGC list that you can find online. As I do not have either of these, I was considering writing about being single but for some reason, I wanted to make it more personal. I think the main reason for this, is that I wouldn't be at the place I am today if it wasn't for what happened in the past, so it makes sense for me to start from the beginning.
It was two and a half years ago now that my ex broke up with me and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it was one of the most painful experiences I've had to endure. Even after all this time, it still affects me today, but that might have something to do with the fact that we stayed in contact and didn't cut each other off completely.
The first year was the hardest because he went off to university in a different part of the country to enjoy a new life that didn't involve me in any way. Whereas I was stuck in a job that I hated, out of education, with only two people that I could call real friends, living in a house that I was unhappy in and I was miserable. The only thing I wanted to do was sleep and I thought to myself on a daily basis- 'Is this it? Is this my life?'
I spent the whole year both hating him and missing him at the same time and part of me couldn't accept the fact it was over. Those were two of many of my problems- both forgiveness and acceptance are both required in order to fully move on. It wasn't until I started university in a different city that I started to feel so much better. My life felt completely different- I had new friends, I lived in a city that I adored and I was on a course that I really enjoyed. For the first month or so I thought 'This is it. I'm over him.' but it turns out that I wasn't. I was just so distracted by my new life that I didn't really have time to think about him.
I went backwards a little bit with my progression after the first month of uni, but then I really started to see things clearer and had a better perspective of things. When looking back at my past two relationships, I realised that I was a completely different person. When I was in a relationship, my happiness greatly depended on the person I was with. My insecurities became more apparent and I needed attention all the time in order to feel happy. In reflection, I realised this was not healthy at all. It was then that I started to see the problems weren't with the relationship itself, but with me. I supposed that's where the quote 'Love yourself first' comes in.
This quote really resonates with me and has done for a while now. I never really saw the importance of self worth or self development but now, it's the one thing that keeps me on the right path. I know that a lot of girls (including myself) go into relationships and want relationships because they want someone to love and care for them and show them their worth but you should never put these things into someone else's hands! The only person you should depend on and require acceptance from is yourself.
I've realised that who I am as a person, what I do with my life and my happiness is much more of a priority to me than a relationship. I'm only in education for another one and a half years and then that's it, I have to make do with what I've achieved and utilize that to potentially and hopefully land my 'dream job'. When I'm in a relationship, I can't help but put my boyfriend before my work because my brain tells me to choose between the thing I HAVE to do (uni work) and the thing I want to do (see my boyfriend) and we all know it's impossible to do both of those things at the same. What I'm trying to say is- boys are a distraction for me.
Who is the best person to help me realise who I am, what makes me tick, what my strengths and weaknesses are? ME. Who is the best person to help me realise what and where I want to be in life and go out there and make it happen? ME. Who will always put my happiness first? ME. That's all there is to it. I've dated enough boys to know that none of them care about me as much as I care about myself, and THAT'S OKAY. Don't let anyone tell you that you're selfish for thinking that.
Relationships are great and they can make you happier than you've ever been before but in my experience, there's never a constant happy medium and I just can't cope with that in my life. I need consistency and to have my happiness in the hands of someone that I can trust to maintain it.
I suppose you could say that I'm sceptical but to be quite honest, I deserve to be. I feel this way for a reason and at the end of the day, I don't think it's a completely bad thing. I have to tell my grandma on a regular basis 'Grandma, the boys of our generation aren't like grandad! They're a whole new breed' but to be honest, us women have changed too. I think that slowly, women around the world are coming to the realisation that you don't in any way, shape or form NEED a guy. Nope.
And just for the record, this isn't a close-minded, Beyonce inspired speach about how men suck and women rule- that's not what I'm saying at all. I just happen to believe that society has shaped us all into this way of living that makes it extremely difficult for a relationship to work. It seems as though men and women are just on completely different wave lengths. One day, I'm hoping a guy will come along and prove me wrong but until then, I'm very much happy and capable on my own.
JADE'S PRO'S FOR BEING SINGLE
1. You can invest all your energy into bettering yourself as a person and your career
2. You will learn so much more about yourself
3. You can wear, say, do whatever the fuck you want
4. You can sleep better at night, not worrying about relationship dramas
5. You can have the bed to yourself AND the whole duvet
6. You will save yourself a lot of money- relationships can be expensive!
7. At Christmas and Valentines day, you can spend what you'd usually spend on your other half ON YOURSELF *Hello MAC free delivery*
8. You can stare at the extremely attractive waiter and not feel an ounce of guilt
9. You can be as happy as you want because your happiness lies in your hands!
10. You ALWAYS go to the gym more when you're single- so you're really getting hotter when you're single..
I hope you liked this post as much as I enjoyed writing it! Keep posted for my next 52 WOGC post :)
Keep ya chin up kids,
Jade x
And just for the record, this isn't a close-minded, Beyonce inspired speach about how men suck and women rule- that's not what I'm saying at all. I just happen to believe that society has shaped us all into this way of living that makes it extremely difficult for a relationship to work. It seems as though men and women are just on completely different wave lengths. One day, I'm hoping a guy will come along and prove me wrong but until then, I'm very much happy and capable on my own.
JADE'S PRO'S FOR BEING SINGLE
1. You can invest all your energy into bettering yourself as a person and your career
2. You will learn so much more about yourself
3. You can wear, say, do whatever the fuck you want
4. You can sleep better at night, not worrying about relationship dramas
5. You can have the bed to yourself AND the whole duvet
6. You will save yourself a lot of money- relationships can be expensive!
7. At Christmas and Valentines day, you can spend what you'd usually spend on your other half ON YOURSELF *Hello MAC free delivery*
8. You can stare at the extremely attractive waiter and not feel an ounce of guilt
9. You can be as happy as you want because your happiness lies in your hands!
10. You ALWAYS go to the gym more when you're single- so you're really getting hotter when you're single..
I hope you liked this post as much as I enjoyed writing it! Keep posted for my next 52 WOGC post :)
Keep ya chin up kids,
Jade x
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